Friday, August 10, 2012

Thanks Cymbalta My Feet Are Huge!

It never ceases to amaze me how different medications can affect people so differently. I had been put on Cymbalta for the depression I deal with over my chronic pain/back injury for two reasons. One because it of course is an antidepressant but also because it helps to alleviate pain.

There are many side effects of taking Cymbalta, some of those are sleeplessness, thanks so much I already don't sleep and the other is difficulty urinating. Well double thanks for that one, when your body can't get rid of the fluid it has to put it somewhere.

Here is where mine went and I still haven't gotten it to go away even with the assistance of my doctor.

And despite this reaction to the medication Workman's Comp, being run trough State Farm Insurance believes it is not important enough for them to approve my medications so that I can get this taken care. I suppose the would have been happy and thought it quite funny if my feet would have just fallen off!

It amazes me that Workman's Com/State Farm is allowed to treat people like this. Sadly enough it seems the laws are on their side and the injured party has no rights at all.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Chronic Pain Stinks

I'm sitting here today thinking to myself all the things I would love to do. Oh how I would love to have  home based business where I could raise the most amazing garden ever, to have every kind of fruit and vegetable growing here that will. I would have a huge greenhouse where I could start plants early and keep some plants going all winter long. I would teach people how to can, dehydrate and prepare all the foods we produce here. I would show them how a loofah plant which appears to be just another gourd turns into a bath sponge or a nice sponge to clean around the house with. I would daily be involved in everything going on. I would run the business and do all the work I could while my husband was a his day job and the extra income from it would be amazing.  I would write books about all the things I have learned and continue to learn, I would write cookbooks to share recipes my family and I just love oh and how to books for those who couldn't come to me to learn how to can, how thrilling it all would be.

Then I wake up and go out to the kitchen, fix myself a couple of slices of toast with homemade Cantaloupe jelly on it, stepped outside or a few minutes to look around. Then I come back in the house and sit down at the computer to realize I'm exhausted! And reality steps in to clarify to me that this dream will never be a reality.

Monday, August 6, 2012

Pain vs Doing things I used to do

Summer has always been a busy time of year for us. Aside from getting out and enjoying the warm weather we have always done a lot of fishing and camping.

When I say we went camping I'm mean real camping as in a tent, sleeping on the ground, building fires to cook over the whole ball of wax. It was straight back to nature for us. My husband and daughter have mentioned several times how they would like to go camping again this summer. She starts back to school in about a week and we have not been yet. I know this is due to the fact that they don't know what to do with me. The damage to my lower back and the chronic pain would make sleeping on the ground not only impossible but beyond a pain level tolerance that I can deal with. It really breaks my heart that we are not going and doing this because we all miss it so much. If they really said they wanted to go for example this weekend, I would go with them, I would try, but I think we all now that it would just be an experience that would probably ruin the entire weekend so no one really pursues our love for camping.

One of the other things that keeps us really busy in the summer is canning. We put up a lot of food during the summer, most often we are able to get enough of certain things canned and put up that we are good for the entire year on that item.

This summer has been no different than any other we still have to put that food up. It is done in our home for multiple reasons. It saves us money and it is better for us than eating all the crap they are putting in our food these days.

Have you ever read the labels on the food that you buy in the store? It bothers me to eat things that I can't even say the name of let alone knowing what it is. But this year putting up the food has been miserable. The amount of time, standing, sitting, cooking, cleaning and washing have really put my pain level to a point where I can hardly stand it.

Most years I do most of this work myself with my daughter helping so that she can learn how to do it. It is important to me that she knows how so when she is grown and has a family of her own she can do this for them as well.

We had food that had to be canned this weekend, it ended up being my husband, my daughter and my mother over here all helping me so that the work could get done. ...... And it makes me feel horrible.

My mom is nearing 70 years old and she has enough on her plate as it is, she doesn't need to be over here working on my jobs. With all the things she has going on, my father needs near constant care and she has her own canning to do, a house to clean her own list of chores that are a mile long just like mine. Once I get past the feeling of irritation that I have to interrupt her schedule and time to come help me I do enjoy the time while she is here. It is so great to have mom over, to laugh and talk or rant and rave, whatever it is that we are needing to do we can rely on the fact that the other is willing to listen and give advice. I think back to when I was a child and I was such a daddy's girl. I was always outside helping him with chores, build fences, cut wood, haul hay or taking care of the farm animals and working in the garden they had, and boy oh boy did they have a big garden. It was needed in order to feed all the hungry tummies that lived there. I don't regret the time I spent with my dad but I do regret not spending an equal amount of time with my mom. We also got in a very little bit or garage selling on Saturday and that was great! We had such a wonderful time!

So anyway back to the topic of canning. There was so much  work to do and many do not understand my passion for it. Canning the food helps save money and as I said before it's better for us, but there is another reason above all others that I love to can our food. The smiles on the faces of my family as I make things for them and they taste it. The delight as they tell me that something I have done for them is so good or that they just love it. Watching my daughter who has a fascination for BlackBerry Jelly, lol, I think she has eaten about a pint of that all by herself. I love presenting food to my family and watching them enjoy eating it, it nearly melts my heart.

In order though, to not make my family feel bad while I'm working on the items for the day I have to sneak off to my room and take additional pain medication so that I can continue to stand or sit and work on the stuff. I have to try my best to maintain a smile and a pleasant attitude while I do a job that I used to do nearly alone and that now takes me five times longer to get done than it used to. If I allowed them to know how much pain I was/am in while trying to get this done I'm afraid it would take the pleasure of eating the foods away from them and I don't want to do that. Or maybe they would start telling me that they didn't really care for something so that I wouldn't try and get more done, no matter how much they liked said item.

It is funny how people who don't have to deal with CHP don't realize the sacrifices we make to provide simple basics for our families or to just make it through a day. I don't ever want someone to be crooning over me asking me every five minutes if I'm okay or if I need to sit down or let me do that for you, how frustrating is that. So I maintain a smile and do what I can and when I can do no more I just have to stop, often making things that would have taken a day before to get done taking three or four days now to get the same job done.

That being said I have one other soap box to climb up on today. I'm equally frustrated by people who have chronic pain and refuse to do anything. Why do they do that. Yes all the pain is frustrating and yes I get tired of it and yes sometimes the pain can put me down for two or three days, but why do nothing. If you are going to hurt sitting or laying down then why not be up and moving and do what you can, even if it does take longer? I can't understand people who think it's okay to just sit/lay around and let life pass them by or even better are the ones who think because they have chronic pain that everyone should bow down and take care of them, stop their lives and do what these types of people want. How can a person feel good about themselves and have a remotely positive outlook on life if life consists of nothing but pain MEDs, beds and chairs?

Most often I get upset with myself for staying up too long and when I sit down to take my shoes off I find that my brace, my shoe and my socks have cut into my swollen legs to the point that the skin on my ankle looks like a muffin stuffed in a sock. I have limitations for sure, I can't pick up much weight, I'm not supposed to stand or sit for too long and yes even bending over is something I've been told not to do or at least avoid it when I can, yet with all the limitations and all the pain I still search and seek for things I can do, things that make me a productive part of my family, things to help keep my mind busy, things to keep me moving. I'm scared that if I just stop trying that one day I will find myself sitting in a corner drooling down my own chin while family and friends try to avoid the leech who sucks the fun and life out of everyone around them. I don't want to be that kind of person.

Having damage that I know will get worse the older I get, knowing  the possibility of losing the use of my legs is a shadow that follows me all the time waiting for the time and day to pounce on me and knowing that there could be a short amount of time left that I can stand at my stove and fix something nice for my family helps to keep me going during the canning season. I wish for others that I know who have chronic pain or think they have chronic pain that I could get them to embrace my thought process, get them to get up and move, to do something/anything instead of sitting around or sleeping all day or better yet getting as many needs as they can from their doctor in hopes that if they take enough drugs it will make the pain go away or waiting for the day when the doctor will give them that one "miracle" drug that will make things all better. I've found during the course of treating my damage that there is no magic pill out there. There are pills they could give me that would make my mind totally unaware of the pain my body feels but those pills would have me sleeping twenty four seven or have me so zoned out that it would be impossible for me to take part in life/living. I don't want to be that way, I don't want to miss life with my family. My medication is set up to take the edge off of my pain and the remainder has to be taken care of my not being stupid and doing way too much (okay so that has happened to me more than once, I'm of course a natural blonde and I might be a tad bit stubborn)

The accident and the damage to my back have left me with this chronic pain, a lifetime worth of issues. It has taken so much away from me that I refuse to let it take everything away from me without a fight!

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Hate making choices!

Today has been pondered for some time now. Mother and I like to go to auctions and we certainly have gone to  a lot of them. Last week we went to a Chicken auction. It was quite amazing as they have more than chickens there. We did manage to come home with two Lion Head bunnies, 2 months old, for my daughter.While we had a wonderful time it was overshadowed by knowing what was to come............PAIN. More pain than normal, anything I do that takes very long is going to make my situation even worse. I knew it would happen but sometimes you just have to go ahead and do a thing or you will continue to go down hill mentally. I have noticed in this past year that I'm becoming a lot more reclusive than I used to be and I don't like it.

So we went and it was fun and I followed that event up by being down for 3 days I think it was. Today there is an Amish Vegetable Auction and mom and I are going to that. This is one of those things where I can opt to not go because I know what it will do to me, but at the same time in order to help with our grocery bill I try to can as much stuff as I can for the coming year. My blessing in that area is that its as important to my husband and daughter as it is to me. I'll brag on my daughter a bit here because there are not many 11 yr old girls who know to make and can salsa, but she got 8 quarts done lsst night while I did the Corn relish. Watching her learn and doing things that will make her eat healthier foods and save money makes the pain cost for today acceptable.

Better get off of here. By the way I see each day how many of you are reading my posts. It would be nice if you would comment so I could talk to you. We may find we have a lot in common evn if you live in Russia and I'm here. :)

Have a great day.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

What our thoughts do to us!

I know that when we deal with CHP (chronic pain) that aside from talking to God and listening to what he has to say, this is the next best thing. I know that when I let my thoughts start going downhill about this is wrong and that is wrong and so on I start getting really low. Sometimes I've even allowed a combination of my CHP and thoughts get me down so far that it has literally taken me days to claw my way back to the surface and act right again. My thoughts have allowed me to get so down that I've stayed in bed, not eaten for days and only gotten up on occasion to take a bathroom break. It's just no way to live our lives no matter what is going on.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Fun or Pain, what to do?

Today I had to make a choice. My daughter has been wanting and outdoor game for three years now called Ladder Ball. Really there isn't much to the game at all, you have two small balls on a string and you toss them at a "ladder" depending on the rung you hit determines your score.

I finally broke down today and bought the game for her. She has three brothers but they are grown adults and don't live at home so she has no one to "play" with. So knowing better than to do it hubby and I went out to play the game with her. Now my right leg and back hurt so bad I can hardly stand it. The upside to that is that she had a blast, it was good to see her laugh and play and just have fun like a kid should.

It's terrible for her that my disability has affected her so much. I've hated for her to be out of school for the summer. We live in a rural area so it's not like friends can just walk over to our house for a visit or anything like that. It's terrible when children are made to grow up to fast for things they have no control over. She has been a jewel through all of this and has rarely ever complained about anything.

God blessed us in giving her to us to be our daughter. Someday I'm going to find a way to make this up to her. I don't know when or how, but I'm going to find a way. It's not that I feel I owe her nor does she feel that way either, I just have a desire to do something really special for her for all she has given up gracefully to grow up faster than she needed to and to be such a help around the home.

I do hope though that as she grows up and moves on with her life that she doesn't look back and regret her childhood, that would destroy me.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Today has been a horrid day, despite meds I feel horrible.

I've waited three years to start getting my payout from Workmans Comp. It was supposed to be here on the 13th and huge shocker, NOTHING! Contacted my lawyer and he is like oh just hang on it will be here. Bet you money if he went three years without an income he wouldn't be so thoughtless about it.