Chronic Pain Stinks

I'm sitting here today thinking to myself all the things I would love to do. Oh how I would love to have  home based business where I could raise the most amazing garden ever, to have every kind of fruit and vegetable growing here that will. I would have a huge greenhouse where I could start plants early and keep some plants going all winter long. I would teach people how to can, dehydrate and prepare all the foods we produce here. I would show them how a loofah plant which appears to be just another gourd turns into a bath sponge or a nice sponge to clean around the house with. I would daily be involved in everything going on. I would run the business and do all the work I could while my husband was a his day job and the extra income from it would be amazing.  I would write books about all the things I have learned and continue to learn, I would write cookbooks to share recipes my family and I just love oh and how to books for those who couldn't come to me to learn how to can, how thrilling it all would be.

Then I wake up and go out to the kitchen, fix myself a couple of slices of toast with homemade Cantaloupe jelly on it, stepped outside or a few minutes to look around. Then I come back in the house and sit down at the computer to realize I'm exhausted! And reality steps in to clarify to me that this dream will never be a reality.

Pain vs Doing things I used to do

Summer has always been a busy time of year for us. Aside from getting out and enjoying the warm weather we have always done a lot of fishing and camping.

When I say we went camping I'm mean real camping as in a tent, sleeping on the ground, building fires to cook over the whole ball of wax. It was straight back to nature for us. My husband and daughter have mentioned several times how they would like to go camping again this summer. She starts back to school in about a week and we have not been yet. I know this is due to the fact that they don't know what to do with me. The damage to my lower back and the chronic pain would make sleeping on the ground not only impossible but beyond a pain level tolerance that I can deal with. It really breaks my heart that we are not going and doing this because we all miss it so much. If they really said they wanted to go for example this weekend, I would go with them, I would try, but I think we all now that it would just be an experience that would probably ruin the entire weekend so no one really pursues our love for camping.

One of the other things that keeps us really busy in the summer is canning. We put up a lot of food during the summer, most often we are able to get enough of certain things canned and put up that we are good for the entire year on that item.

This summer has been no different than any other we still have to put that food up. It is done in our home for multiple reasons. It saves us money and it is better for us than eating all the crap they are putting in our food these days.

Have you ever read the labels on the food that you buy in the store? It bothers me to eat things that I can't even say the name of let alone knowing what it is. But this year putting up the food has been miserable. The amount of time, standing, sitting, cooking, cleaning and washing have really put my pain level to a point where I can hardly stand it.

Most years I do most of this work myself with my daughter helping so that she can learn how to do it. It is important to me that she knows how so when she is grown and has a family of her own she can do this for them as well.

We had food that had to be canned this weekend, it ended up being my husband, my daughter and my mother over here all helping me so that the work could get done. ...... And it makes me feel horrible.

My mom is nearing 70 years old and she has enough on her plate as it is, she doesn't need to be over here working on my jobs. With all the things she has going on, my father needs near constant care and she has her own canning to do, a house to clean her own list of chores that are a mile long just like mine. Once I get past the feeling of irritation that I have to interrupt her schedule and time to come help me I do enjoy the time while she is here. It is so great to have mom over, to laugh and talk or rant and rave, whatever it is that we are needing to do we can rely on the fact that the other is willing to listen and give advice. I think back to when I was a child and I was such a daddy's girl. I was always outside helping him with chores, build fences, cut wood, haul hay or taking care of the farm animals and working in the garden they had, and boy oh boy did they have a big garden. It was needed in order to feed all the hungry tummies that lived there. I don't regret the time I spent with my dad but I do regret not spending an equal amount of time with my mom. We also got in a very little bit or garage selling on Saturday and that was great! We had such a wonderful time!

So anyway back to the topic of canning. There was so much  work to do and many do not understand my passion for it. Canning the food helps save money and as I said before it's better for us, but there is another reason above all others that I love to can our food. The smiles on the faces of my family as I make things for them and they taste it. The delight as they tell me that something I have done for them is so good or that they just love it. Watching my daughter who has a fascination for BlackBerry Jelly, lol, I think she has eaten about a pint of that all by herself. I love presenting food to my family and watching them enjoy eating it, it nearly melts my heart.

In order though, to not make my family feel bad while I'm working on the items for the day I have to sneak off to my room and take additional pain medication so that I can continue to stand or sit and work on the stuff. I have to try my best to maintain a smile and a pleasant attitude while I do a job that I used to do nearly alone and that now takes me five times longer to get done than it used to. If I allowed them to know how much pain I was/am in while trying to get this done I'm afraid it would take the pleasure of eating the foods away from them and I don't want to do that. Or maybe they would start telling me that they didn't really care for something so that I wouldn't try and get more done, no matter how much they liked said item.

It is funny how people who don't have to deal with CHP don't realize the sacrifices we make to provide simple basics for our families or to just make it through a day. I don't ever want someone to be crooning over me asking me every five minutes if I'm okay or if I need to sit down or let me do that for you, how frustrating is that. So I maintain a smile and do what I can and when I can do no more I just have to stop, often making things that would have taken a day before to get done taking three or four days now to get the same job done.

That being said I have one other soap box to climb up on today. I'm equally frustrated by people who have chronic pain and refuse to do anything. Why do they do that. Yes all the pain is frustrating and yes I get tired of it and yes sometimes the pain can put me down for two or three days, but why do nothing. If you are going to hurt sitting or laying down then why not be up and moving and do what you can, even if it does take longer? I can't understand people who think it's okay to just sit/lay around and let life pass them by or even better are the ones who think because they have chronic pain that everyone should bow down and take care of them, stop their lives and do what these types of people want. How can a person feel good about themselves and have a remotely positive outlook on life if life consists of nothing but pain MEDs, beds and chairs?

Most often I get upset with myself for staying up too long and when I sit down to take my shoes off I find that my brace, my shoe and my socks have cut into my swollen legs to the point that the skin on my ankle looks like a muffin stuffed in a sock. I have limitations for sure, I can't pick up much weight, I'm not supposed to stand or sit for too long and yes even bending over is something I've been told not to do or at least avoid it when I can, yet with all the limitations and all the pain I still search and seek for things I can do, things that make me a productive part of my family, things to help keep my mind busy, things to keep me moving. I'm scared that if I just stop trying that one day I will find myself sitting in a corner drooling down my own chin while family and friends try to avoid the leech who sucks the fun and life out of everyone around them. I don't want to be that kind of person.

Having damage that I know will get worse the older I get, knowing  the possibility of losing the use of my legs is a shadow that follows me all the time waiting for the time and day to pounce on me and knowing that there could be a short amount of time left that I can stand at my stove and fix something nice for my family helps to keep me going during the canning season. I wish for others that I know who have chronic pain or think they have chronic pain that I could get them to embrace my thought process, get them to get up and move, to do something/anything instead of sitting around or sleeping all day or better yet getting as many needs as they can from their doctor in hopes that if they take enough drugs it will make the pain go away or waiting for the day when the doctor will give them that one "miracle" drug that will make things all better. I've found during the course of treating my damage that there is no magic pill out there. There are pills they could give me that would make my mind totally unaware of the pain my body feels but those pills would have me sleeping twenty four seven or have me so zoned out that it would be impossible for me to take part in life/living. I don't want to be that way, I don't want to miss life with my family. My medication is set up to take the edge off of my pain and the remainder has to be taken care of my not being stupid and doing way too much (okay so that has happened to me more than once, I'm of course a natural blonde and I might be a tad bit stubborn)

The accident and the damage to my back have left me with this chronic pain, a lifetime worth of issues. It has taken so much away from me that I refuse to let it take everything away from me without a fight!

In order to explain why I have started this blog I feel I first must lay my heart open and explain why this is important to me.

Three years ago I was traveling from one store location to another, I was the regional manager of five stores at the time.

A young man was also out driving that day and messing with his phone was more important than paying attention to his driving.

I was traveling down the highway and the next thing I know a car is about to hit me, he came out of no where. Come to find out he was messing with his phone and didn't "see" the stop sign. So instead of stopping before he crossed the highway he just plowed right on through and he hit my car.

It is a long story to go through, all the things that happened from that point on and through this past three years. So in a nutshell the vertebrae in my lower spine were messed up which resulted in four back surgeries. The nerve cluster there was also damaged so there is chronic pain in my lower back and the damage is spreading down through my legs as well. The left leg has next to no feeling and drop foot and now that process is slowly taking effect on my right leg. My wrists and shoulders hurt so bad most of the time that it's unreal. This is due to the fact that I now have to walk with forearm crutches.

This disability is forever, it will never get better rather will more than likely continue to get worse.

I am absolutely driven crazy by the fact that I was on the job when this happened so all my medical care is going through Workman's comp and will til the day I die. They are so absolutely impossible to deal with. The last time my doctor, the one whom they approved, added a medication that I needed to be taking was held up for three months before they decided they would approve it. I think they only reason they did is because I contacted my lawyer and ask him to get on the issue for me. I have now had another change in medications and you guessed it they have not approved that one yet either.

I suppose the thing that makes me so angry is that I feel like I'm being treated like a criminal, as if I'm trying to stick it to them and get things I don't need. Or maybe it's like they don't think I really need that stuff so they don't care if they don't approve my narcotic pain killers and my pain sky rockets to levels so high I throw up from the pain and go through withdrawals until they decide they are going to okay the medications for me.

The other issue I have is that I need help at home in a bad way. My restrictions limit me so badly that simply trying to get the house picked up, not cleaned just picked up is a nightmare. I know that I can get a prescription from my doctor for that kind of help but I also know they will fight it tooth and nail because they don't want to pay out on it. I have contacted every agency I can get a hold of and though they say they are there to help the disabled it's a lie. They only help the disabled if they are on welfare. It doesn't matter that my hubby works his tail end off trying to make ends meet so that we don't lose our home, we have already lost one vehicle because of the loss of my income and how long it is taking Workman's comp to start sending my checks again.

There are so many things I need like a walk in bathtub, those things start out at 12k, who has that kind of money. I need a vehicle that is wheel chair/power chair accessible. If they have fits over medicine imagine what they would think if they got that request. No agency cares that he is killing himself trying to keep our family afloat we are not on welfare so there is not help for me. One could think that is just my imagination but it's not I've literally been told exactly that.

Lastly, people who are around those of us with chronic pain really do try to do their best but they can not understand what it is we are going through and it is very hard to explain it so that they can understand. That goes for people around us as well. We look good on the outside, what they see doesn't look damaged and because they can't see it when they look at us I believe they subconsciously think it must not be near as bad as we try to make it out to be.

I need fellow chronic pain sufferers to talk to, people who can relate to what I'm going through. I want to make friends with others who have these issues so that I can be a support person to them.

As chronic pain sufferers we are very limited often, the four walls of our homes become our new best friend and I have to tell you that I'm so terribly tired of them. So sick to death of everyday not having a job to go to anymore. I have doubted my self worth and on most days it would do you no good to try to explain to me that I'm worth something. Chances are you would be trying to explain that to me while I need to be loading the dishwasher that I can't get to because of having to bend over, or taking the clothes out of the washer and putting them in the dryer, one article at a time because wet they are to heavy and can exceed my weight limitations.

I know that for the most part this first post sounds very negative, like I must be some sourpuss all the time. Really I'm not, I have taken a thought process that says I might as well smile and laugh about this because all the crying I have done hasn't done me any good at all. My hopes are for strength to make it through each day and at some point in time I pray that God will answer my prayers and tell me what it is he has planned for me. I certainly would like to know. I do realize he has brought back my love for writing stories, fiction and mostly non fiction, sometimes I write devotionals but I really need to sit down and come up with a theme or topic and then write several of them in parts. But what am I to do with them once I get done with them. They take so long to get written and some days I can't even stand to work on them, whats a girl to do.

Anyway I sure hope you will join my blog, leave comments, we can lift each other up on our bad days and rejoice on our good days. Also we may find out about services or things that would help each other out. I know I hear about lots of things all the time I just don't qualify for them, we could share them here and possibly help each other out.

Please comment on the post and tell me what type of chronic pain you have, how long you have had it and how you are handling life in general. I so look forward to meeting many new friends here.