Thanks Cymbalta My Feet Are Huge!

It never ceases to amaze me how different medications can affect people so differently. I had been put on Cymbalta for the depression I deal with over my chronic pain/back injury for two reasons. One because it of course is an antidepressant but also because it helps to alleviate pain.

There are many side effects of taking Cymbalta, some of those are sleeplessness, thanks so much I already don't sleep and the other is difficulty urinating. Well double thanks for that one, when your body can't get rid of the fluid it has to put it somewhere.

Here is where mine went and I still haven't gotten it to go away even with the assistance of my doctor.

And despite this reaction to the medication Workman's Comp, being run trough State Farm Insurance believes it is not important enough for them to approve my medications so that I can get this taken care. I suppose the would have been happy and thought it quite funny if my feet would have just fallen off!

It amazes me that Workman's Com/State Farm is allowed to treat people like this. Sadly enough it seems the laws are on their side and the injured party has no rights at all.

Chronic Pain Stinks

I'm sitting here today thinking to myself all the things I would love to do. Oh how I would love to have  home based business where I could raise the most amazing garden ever, to have every kind of fruit and vegetable growing here that will. I would have a huge greenhouse where I could start plants early and keep some plants going all winter long. I would teach people how to can, dehydrate and prepare all the foods we produce here. I would show them how a loofah plant which appears to be just another gourd turns into a bath sponge or a nice sponge to clean around the house with. I would daily be involved in everything going on. I would run the business and do all the work I could while my husband was a his day job and the extra income from it would be amazing.  I would write books about all the things I have learned and continue to learn, I would write cookbooks to share recipes my family and I just love oh and how to books for those who couldn't come to me to learn how to can, how thrilling it all would be.

Then I wake up and go out to the kitchen, fix myself a couple of slices of toast with homemade Cantaloupe jelly on it, stepped outside or a few minutes to look around. Then I come back in the house and sit down at the computer to realize I'm exhausted! And reality steps in to clarify to me that this dream will never be a reality.

Pain vs Doing things I used to do

Summer has always been a busy time of year for us. Aside from getting out and enjoying the warm weather we have always done a lot of fishing and camping.

When I say we went camping I'm mean real camping as in a tent, sleeping on the ground, building fires to cook over the whole ball of wax. It was straight back to nature for us. My husband and daughter have mentioned several times how they would like to go camping again this summer. She starts back to school in about a week and we have not been yet. I know this is due to the fact that they don't know what to do with me. The damage to my lower back and the chronic pain would make sleeping on the ground not only impossible but beyond a pain level tolerance that I can deal with. It really breaks my heart that we are not going and doing this because we all miss it so much. If they really said they wanted to go for example this weekend, I would go with them, I would try, but I think we all now that it would just be an experience that would probably ruin the entire weekend so no one really pursues our love for camping.

One of the other things that keeps us really busy in the summer is canning. We put up a lot of food during the summer, most often we are able to get enough of certain things canned and put up that we are good for the entire year on that item.

This summer has been no different than any other we still have to put that food up. It is done in our home for multiple reasons. It saves us money and it is better for us than eating all the crap they are putting in our food these days.

Have you ever read the labels on the food that you buy in the store? It bothers me to eat things that I can't even say the name of let alone knowing what it is. But this year putting up the food has been miserable. The amount of time, standing, sitting, cooking, cleaning and washing have really put my pain level to a point where I can hardly stand it.

Most years I do most of this work myself with my daughter helping so that she can learn how to do it. It is important to me that she knows how so when she is grown and has a family of her own she can do this for them as well.

We had food that had to be canned this weekend, it ended up being my husband, my daughter and my mother over here all helping me so that the work could get done. ...... And it makes me feel horrible.

My mom is nearing 70 years old and she has enough on her plate as it is, she doesn't need to be over here working on my jobs. With all the things she has going on, my father needs near constant care and she has her own canning to do, a house to clean her own list of chores that are a mile long just like mine. Once I get past the feeling of irritation that I have to interrupt her schedule and time to come help me I do enjoy the time while she is here. It is so great to have mom over, to laugh and talk or rant and rave, whatever it is that we are needing to do we can rely on the fact that the other is willing to listen and give advice. I think back to when I was a child and I was such a daddy's girl. I was always outside helping him with chores, build fences, cut wood, haul hay or taking care of the farm animals and working in the garden they had, and boy oh boy did they have a big garden. It was needed in order to feed all the hungry tummies that lived there. I don't regret the time I spent with my dad but I do regret not spending an equal amount of time with my mom. We also got in a very little bit or garage selling on Saturday and that was great! We had such a wonderful time!

So anyway back to the topic of canning. There was so much  work to do and many do not understand my passion for it. Canning the food helps save money and as I said before it's better for us, but there is another reason above all others that I love to can our food. The smiles on the faces of my family as I make things for them and they taste it. The delight as they tell me that something I have done for them is so good or that they just love it. Watching my daughter who has a fascination for BlackBerry Jelly, lol, I think she has eaten about a pint of that all by herself. I love presenting food to my family and watching them enjoy eating it, it nearly melts my heart.

In order though, to not make my family feel bad while I'm working on the items for the day I have to sneak off to my room and take additional pain medication so that I can continue to stand or sit and work on the stuff. I have to try my best to maintain a smile and a pleasant attitude while I do a job that I used to do nearly alone and that now takes me five times longer to get done than it used to. If I allowed them to know how much pain I was/am in while trying to get this done I'm afraid it would take the pleasure of eating the foods away from them and I don't want to do that. Or maybe they would start telling me that they didn't really care for something so that I wouldn't try and get more done, no matter how much they liked said item.

It is funny how people who don't have to deal with CHP don't realize the sacrifices we make to provide simple basics for our families or to just make it through a day. I don't ever want someone to be crooning over me asking me every five minutes if I'm okay or if I need to sit down or let me do that for you, how frustrating is that. So I maintain a smile and do what I can and when I can do no more I just have to stop, often making things that would have taken a day before to get done taking three or four days now to get the same job done.

That being said I have one other soap box to climb up on today. I'm equally frustrated by people who have chronic pain and refuse to do anything. Why do they do that. Yes all the pain is frustrating and yes I get tired of it and yes sometimes the pain can put me down for two or three days, but why do nothing. If you are going to hurt sitting or laying down then why not be up and moving and do what you can, even if it does take longer? I can't understand people who think it's okay to just sit/lay around and let life pass them by or even better are the ones who think because they have chronic pain that everyone should bow down and take care of them, stop their lives and do what these types of people want. How can a person feel good about themselves and have a remotely positive outlook on life if life consists of nothing but pain MEDs, beds and chairs?

Most often I get upset with myself for staying up too long and when I sit down to take my shoes off I find that my brace, my shoe and my socks have cut into my swollen legs to the point that the skin on my ankle looks like a muffin stuffed in a sock. I have limitations for sure, I can't pick up much weight, I'm not supposed to stand or sit for too long and yes even bending over is something I've been told not to do or at least avoid it when I can, yet with all the limitations and all the pain I still search and seek for things I can do, things that make me a productive part of my family, things to help keep my mind busy, things to keep me moving. I'm scared that if I just stop trying that one day I will find myself sitting in a corner drooling down my own chin while family and friends try to avoid the leech who sucks the fun and life out of everyone around them. I don't want to be that kind of person.

Having damage that I know will get worse the older I get, knowing  the possibility of losing the use of my legs is a shadow that follows me all the time waiting for the time and day to pounce on me and knowing that there could be a short amount of time left that I can stand at my stove and fix something nice for my family helps to keep me going during the canning season. I wish for others that I know who have chronic pain or think they have chronic pain that I could get them to embrace my thought process, get them to get up and move, to do something/anything instead of sitting around or sleeping all day or better yet getting as many needs as they can from their doctor in hopes that if they take enough drugs it will make the pain go away or waiting for the day when the doctor will give them that one "miracle" drug that will make things all better. I've found during the course of treating my damage that there is no magic pill out there. There are pills they could give me that would make my mind totally unaware of the pain my body feels but those pills would have me sleeping twenty four seven or have me so zoned out that it would be impossible for me to take part in life/living. I don't want to be that way, I don't want to miss life with my family. My medication is set up to take the edge off of my pain and the remainder has to be taken care of my not being stupid and doing way too much (okay so that has happened to me more than once, I'm of course a natural blonde and I might be a tad bit stubborn)

The accident and the damage to my back have left me with this chronic pain, a lifetime worth of issues. It has taken so much away from me that I refuse to let it take everything away from me without a fight!

Hate making choices!

Today has been pondered for some time now. Mother and I like to go to auctions and we certainly have gone to  a lot of them. Last week we went to a Chicken auction. It was quite amazing as they have more than chickens there. We did manage to come home with two Lion Head bunnies, 2 months old, for my daughter.While we had a wonderful time it was overshadowed by knowing what was to come............PAIN. More pain than normal, anything I do that takes very long is going to make my situation even worse. I knew it would happen but sometimes you just have to go ahead and do a thing or you will continue to go down hill mentally. I have noticed in this past year that I'm becoming a lot more reclusive than I used to be and I don't like it.

So we went and it was fun and I followed that event up by being down for 3 days I think it was. Today there is an Amish Vegetable Auction and mom and I are going to that. This is one of those things where I can opt to not go because I know what it will do to me, but at the same time in order to help with our grocery bill I try to can as much stuff as I can for the coming year. My blessing in that area is that its as important to my husband and daughter as it is to me. I'll brag on my daughter a bit here because there are not many 11 yr old girls who know to make and can salsa, but she got 8 quarts done lsst night while I did the Corn relish. Watching her learn and doing things that will make her eat healthier foods and save money makes the pain cost for today acceptable.

Better get off of here. By the way I see each day how many of you are reading my posts. It would be nice if you would comment so I could talk to you. We may find we have a lot in common evn if you live in Russia and I'm here. :)

Have a great day.

What our thoughts do to us!

I know that when we deal with CHP (chronic pain) that aside from talking to God and listening to what he has to say, this is the next best thing. I know that when I let my thoughts start going downhill about this is wrong and that is wrong and so on I start getting really low. Sometimes I've even allowed a combination of my CHP and thoughts get me down so far that it has literally taken me days to claw my way back to the surface and act right again. My thoughts have allowed me to get so down that I've stayed in bed, not eaten for days and only gotten up on occasion to take a bathroom break. It's just no way to live our lives no matter what is going on.

Fun or Pain, what to do?

Today I had to make a choice. My daughter has been wanting and outdoor game for three years now called Ladder Ball. Really there isn't much to the game at all, you have two small balls on a string and you toss them at a "ladder" depending on the rung you hit determines your score.

I finally broke down today and bought the game for her. She has three brothers but they are grown adults and don't live at home so she has no one to "play" with. So knowing better than to do it hubby and I went out to play the game with her. Now my right leg and back hurt so bad I can hardly stand it. The upside to that is that she had a blast, it was good to see her laugh and play and just have fun like a kid should.

It's terrible for her that my disability has affected her so much. I've hated for her to be out of school for the summer. We live in a rural area so it's not like friends can just walk over to our house for a visit or anything like that. It's terrible when children are made to grow up to fast for things they have no control over. She has been a jewel through all of this and has rarely ever complained about anything.

God blessed us in giving her to us to be our daughter. Someday I'm going to find a way to make this up to her. I don't know when or how, but I'm going to find a way. It's not that I feel I owe her nor does she feel that way either, I just have a desire to do something really special for her for all she has given up gracefully to grow up faster than she needed to and to be such a help around the home.

I do hope though that as she grows up and moves on with her life that she doesn't look back and regret her childhood, that would destroy me.

Today has been a horrid day, despite meds I feel horrible.

I've waited three years to start getting my payout from Workmans Comp. It was supposed to be here on the 13th and huge shocker, NOTHING! Contacted my lawyer and he is like oh just hang on it will be here. Bet you money if he went three years without an income he wouldn't be so thoughtless about it.

To buy the corn or not to buy the corn.

I'm happy to say that today is one of my better days. My body is irritated with me a bit because I haven't been to sleep since last night before last, but that happens often. I guess someday I will get used to that and it won't bother me so much.

Got a phone call from a man today that has sweet corn for sale. He is doing me a favor by lowering the price to $2 a dozen if I get 25 dozen at one time. I love fresh corn and being able to put that up in the freezer but I don't know if my body can handle getting 25 dozen ears of corn ready for the freezer. I know that hubby, daughter and mother would help me with it but still, that is a lot.

I suppose my blog seems like I'm always complaining and really that is not the kind of person I am, but these are the things that happen that really upset me. Three years ago I wouldn't have had to think about this, the answer would have been yes and probably I would have taken 50 dozen but now I have to stop and say okay, I know I can freeze that and put it up. It's better for my family and it most certainly tastes better, but can my body handle this? Corn is just one of those things, once picked it needs to be blanched, cut and put up as fast as possible. It's not like doing the jams or jelly where you can do some today and some tomorrow, it just doesn't work that way.

Well guess I better get off of here and decide what I'm going to do. I have to get a hold of mother before I can make any decision. Isn't that horrible, I'm 47 yrs old and I have to wait to get a hold of mommy before I can decide what I'm going to do.

I don't mean that hateful toward my mother, she is one of the most loving and caring individuals I have ever known. There is nothing in this world she wouldn't do for me if she could and I love her for that.

I'm really getting off of here now if I talk about this any more I'm going to work myself into a deeper depression.

I hope you all are doing well today. Take care and get the most you can out of this day.

Need to fire Mr. Sandman and WC!

It's three thirty in the morning, I'm so exhausted and sore it's not even funny. So why am I not in the bed sleeping, because Mr. Sandman decided to skip my house again tonight I guess. I'm going to fire him for failure to perform his job duties well or at all.

I hate this more than anything because it reduces my ability to deal with the CHP the next day and often turns me into an unbearable grouch.

I feel so sorry for my family. I often wish they would just pack their bags and leave then they wouldn't have to put up with all this crap from me.

This stupid accident not only trashed my life but it has made the rest of my family make changes in the way they live their lives and it seems so unfair.

Sent another letter to my lawyer today, WC still has not approved my medication and it's been nearly a month now. Don't I have any rights? Don't I have the right to not be treated this way? Or is it because WC doesn't have to follow any laws or rules they can just do whatever they want to do? It certainly seems that way. After waiting this long AGAIN for a medication approval I'm certain that a year from now we will still be fighting with them to get a lift in my automobile so that I can take my power chair places with me where I can't stand to walk all day.

The state fair is coming up and if we don't figure out something I will be unable to attend because there is no way I can walk through all of that. I'm really going to be upset if I have to miss it because WC wants to drag their feet on doing anything that might be helpful to me.

Guess I'm ready to get off my soap box for tonight and try to go back to bed and hopefully get some sleep.

The limitations of CHP and Depression

I love the summer so much, even though we are having a triple digit heat here. The gardens are so beautiful and the produce is so yummy. (Isn't that a nice adult word to use lol)

Summer also makes me sad for the things that are so hard for me to do now. We got a few batches of jelly made the other day and I really need to work on some relish, make pound cake and make bread today but there is no way my body will allow me to get all that done.

It's no wonder people with CHP (my initials for Chronic Pain because I'm tired of typing that word) fight depression. A mere 3 years ago I canned 8 cases of tomatoes in one day and now I have to decide if I'm going to make one thing or the other.

Lawyers and Insurance companies simply do not understand that there is so  much more to CHP than the constant pain. If they had any idea of what we go through they simply would not treat us the way they do. I turned in a change in my medication on June 15, 2012 and as of today it still has not been approved. Exactly how long does the insurance company think it is okay to make us go without the MEDs

Just a short note for today. My pain level is way out of control due to all the canning and work we did today. I took several naps today trying to take breaks in my work so this would not happen, but still here I am.

Had it not been for my family helping me out I would have never gotten all of the canning done today that we did.

I'm terribly lucky that God gave them to me to be part of my family. With that said I'm off of here to go and take some more meds and get down and see if that will help any at all.

If you are not on welfare you get no help!

This past couple of days have been pretty bad. I am having such issues on the right side now. I can feel the pain starting in my lower back and now moving down the right leg. I hate that as it probably means the damaged nerves are now starting to affect that leg.

I know I need to keep a positive attitude and let God handle this and know that he is in control, that there is a plan and a reason for all of this but sometimes it's really hard to do that. I have faith that God is in control and I not only know that he can do the things that need to be done but know that he will. My frustration is not that, it's just trying to cope and deal on a daily basis until he does what he needs to do. That probably sounds contradictory but with constant pain you can't just not think about it, it is always there.

If you are reading my blog and you are a praying person please pray for me. This is all so frustrating. Again I have a new prescription that needs to be filled, my doctor wanted me to start it right away and still several weeks have gone by and workman's comp still has not approved it. It was not really a new medication rather changing one I was already taking to one that might work better for me. My attorney has turned in my prescription also stating that they have to make my vehicle wheel chair accessible. I bet you money it will be months if not years before they give an answer on that one. Why WC has to treat people this way and why they are allowed to is beyond me. It's like we are criminals just trying to get away with something. They all sat in court and all heard and agreed to the same testimony stating that I am totally disabled from this accident so why do they then find it necessary and why are they allowed to fight each and every step of the way. If they ask me for information or something and I blew them off like they do me I would probably lose my benefits for failure to comply but they do it all the time.

Okay I got off on a tangent, sorry about that, it's just so so frustrating. I hope if you are reading my blog and you are dealing with chronic pain that you are not dealing with WC, if you are I feel so sorry for you.

Hey another interesting fact I found out though. You hear all the time about groups out there that help the disabled. Oh your county has so many programs bla bla bla. Well I have found out after much research that the only way you can get any assistance, at least in Johnson County Missouri, is if you are on welfare. If you are disabled and you are not on welfare you do not qualify for one single solitary program. I need help in my house during the week and I can not get help because I'm not on welfare. Please don't misunderstand that to think that my husband is out there making tons of money, that is not the case. He makes just a touch too much for us to qualify for any form of welfare. So with that being said we are not allowed any help, they expect us to go out and pay anywhere from $12 to $18 per hour in order to get someone to come in the house for a few hours a day and help with the things I cannot do. It seems so unfair, you either have to be on welfare or they assume you to be a Rockefeller and have money pouring out your left ear making you capable of paying the absurd prices people are charging. I told my husband he should quit his job and stay home to take care of me, then we would qualify for all kinds of things. Sadly enough we are not the kind of people who will sit down and just take hand outs when he is capable of working. I have no issue's with people who are on welfare and really really need it but I know too many people who are capable of working and choose not to just so they can sit on their can and get everything handed to them. The lesson here is if you work your tail end off and it's not enough, screw you. If you are just flat lazy, sit on your ars and the government will hand you anything you need. Food, medical care, someone to clean your house, MEDs for free, rent and utilities paid for. It absolutely works that way, as I said I know too many who are doing just that.

I suppose I should go to bed, I'm just flat grouchy tonight. Oh wait, that is the MED I'm waiting on that WC won't approve, a mild antidepressant, hmm I wonder why I get like this..............

4th of July

I took several naps today before we went and thought that would help me handle it better, but it didn't. I can't sleep now, I can't find any way to be comfortable and my body hates me for going there.

My heart however loves me because it made our daughters day. The display was great, we were a little shocked that they  were actually allowed to do it since it is so dry here, but they did and that was great.

We don't buy fireworks and do the family thing because one of our sons was in Iraq, twice and he just can't handle them.

It's 4 in the morning, I got up for a drink so I guess I better get to it and then try to lay back down. I hope you all had a wonderful celebration of our independence and I hope that every day when you see a soldier you thank him/her and before you go to bed at night you thank God.

One of the things that is very aggravating to me is new pain. How are we supposed to know if this new pain is just a side effect of the chronic pain we have all the time or if it is a new issue rearing its ugly head in our lives.

My chronic pain involved damage to my lower back which in turn has done damage to the large nerve cluster there. Its effects run down both of my legs and is causing them to go numb.

I feel a little sense of freedom in this blog especially right now since hardly anyone is coming to read it. Here I can complain about my pain, here I can cry in writing over not understanding why this had to happen and here I can pretend that others who really do understand chronic pain are reading and understanding my feelings.

My husband is the most awesome man in the world. There is nothing he won't do for me and I love him for that. He has been by my side through all of this and has been very understanding and while I can talk to him about anything he can and does listen but he doesn't understand.

I compared this lack of understanding one time to when I was pregnant with my first son. The doctor (man) used to tell me at every visit that he understood how I felt and that if he could he would take my load for a day and give me some rest.

Well for starters there  is NO WAY a man understands being pregnant and the only reason he offered to take my load for a day was because he knew it was impossible for him to do so. Why would a man even attempt to tell a woman he knows how she feels or that he understands her feelings of being pregnant. He hasn't a clue and the same holds true for those who don't suffer from chronic pain.

People see us out and about and our bodies look "normal" to them. They cannot see any damage, there are no physical signs that scream out loud that there is something wrong with us. I think most people tend to put us in a group of crybabies that have an issue in our heads, not in our bodies.

I don't blame others for the things they think, they can't help that they don't understand. That is why every day for the sake of my family I put on a smile and pretend that life is all good to the best of my ability for that day. Whatever I can do so that they are not constantly looking at me wondering if I'm okay in that moment or not. It's tiresome but I do it for them.

Okay enough of my whining for now. I need to get off of here, get dressed, put on my smile and head to town with the family.

Last night was pretty rough, I think I got up about every two hours. If I got where my back was comfortable then my legs and hip started acting crazy. If I got them confortable then my back had a fit.

It's nights like last night that make it hard to deal with chronic pain the next day. You become exhausted from trying to get some rest and there is just none to be had.

I'm up this morning getting ready to take mom to a store we both really love that is having a huge sale, but I'm not sure how my body is going to handle it. My hip and about halfway down my leg is non stop throbbing! I guess this means the damage is starting to spread to that leg as well.

Despite it all I'm going to put on a big smile for my mom and make sure she has a wonderful time today, she just doesn't get out much and she really needs the stress relief. I'll take my camera along and if I see some really neat things I'll take pictures to share with you when I get home.

I hope you all have a very blessed day.

If you are reading this blog I really wish you would just make a comment. The reason being that if you suffer from chronic pain as I do I would love to put you on my prayer list. Of course even if you don't but you are in need of prayers I would be happy to add you to my list.

Have any of you ever had to deal with Workmans Comp?

I have to tell you that it has been one of the biggest things I regret in my life. I so wish I would have just not been on the job when I got hurt. We could have done what our insurance would take care of and that's it. Then we could have gone on with life and just dealt with things as they happen.

We would have lost everything, we nearly did anyway, and we would have been homeless, but I have to tell you all of that would have been so much better than having to deal with them.

My doctor changed one of my medications, same type of medication just a different brand she thought would help me better than the obe I was on. So here we are now, again, about two weeks after tha appointment and still they have no approved that medication yet.

I get so frustrated. I don't understand how the laws are set up that they are allowed to treat us like we are criminals or something.

Wait, let me take that back because if I were a criminal and I were locked up in jail or prison they would have to take much better care of me than this or I could sue the pants off of them.

As it is set up though WC can jerk you around, do what they want to do with you, take as much time as they want to and there is just nothing you can do about it.

I wish I knew of a phone number or an email address where you could write to them, the state office that is and just tell them exactly how wrong this is. Not that I think they would really care, after all if the state is watching them to assure they are doing what they are supposed to be doing then the state already knows they treat us like crap.

I guess I can understand it though, I needed to stop thinking like myself and start thinking like them.

Why would they want to do anything in a timely manner to help me out? After all I made that guy hit me in the car. I assured that when he did hit me he completely trashed my back. I knew how hard he needed to hit me so that I could end up living the rest of my life unable to work and dealing with chronic pain everyday so bad that even the narcs they do give me don't really take the pain away, it just kinda takes the edge off.

Since I set all that up I can see how they must view me as some kind of thug who is just trying to rip them off for every dime I can get out of them. Why if I were them I would fight it all the way to the supreme court. After all if I had not allowed myself to be injured in the first place there will be no need for people to have to take care of me.

I apologize for my ranting but I'm  certain that my fathers cattle get better medical care and in a much more timely manner than I do. I would even go so far as to say most dogs in a no kill shelter are treated better than I am. It seems unreal to me that the laws are set to where they can just treat people any o way they want to and for all practical purposes there is nothing that can be done about it.

I think I will take the time to write the governor of our state and share my opinion with them, not that I think they care anymore than workmans comp does but at least I can say I tried something.

I hope if you haven't ever had to deal with them that you never do. For cryin out loud I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, if I had one.

Sleepless Nights

I hate it when I have nights like tonight. I've been up every two hours, can't sleep but am so tired I can hardly focus to do anything.

One would like to think with all the meds they have me taking that sleep would not elude me, yet it does.

I'm going to have to figure out something productive to do on these sleepless nights so I can at least feel good about accomplishing something if I'm not going to be sleeping.

8:56 AM

I finally managed to get a little cat nap in. I'm wondering if a different bed would help. I've gone from a regular mattress to a memory foam and am now back on a regular mattress again. The memory foam did not work out well for me at all, the regular mattress has a pillow top and works much better but I still find I'm in need of all my pillows. I currently have something like 10 pillows on my bed and that doesn't count the two over stuffed couch cushions we saved from a couch we got rid of. Depending on the night, the moment, the situation I use those pillows to p rop up my legs, some of them wedged under my sides, a few under my head, and then if I get all that done and am comfortable I will fall asleep. The issue becomes that when I roll over they are all out of whack and I have to start again rearranging them trying to get them back to a place where I'm comfy.

I really am going to have to start researching the adjustable beds and see if there is not something there that might help. I do know that the last time I looked at them most are made over sears, only one was made here in the USA. The big difference I had found at that time was that many of them offered life time warrantys. In reading closer they were limited life time warrantys and really were not a good deal for the person buying the bed. The one made here in the USA has an actual full lifetime warranty. I was really impressed by that.

In order to explain why I have started this blog I feel I first must lay my heart open and explain why this is important to me.

Three years ago I was traveling from one store location to another, I was the regional manager of five stores at the time.

A young man was also out driving that day and messing with his phone was more important than paying attention to his driving.

I was traveling down the highway and the next thing I know a car is about to hit me, he came out of no where. Come to find out he was messing with his phone and didn't "see" the stop sign. So instead of stopping before he crossed the highway he just plowed right on through and he hit my car.

It is a long story to go through, all the things that happened from that point on and through this past three years. So in a nutshell the vertebrae in my lower spine were messed up which resulted in four back surgeries. The nerve cluster there was also damaged so there is chronic pain in my lower back and the damage is spreading down through my legs as well. The left leg has next to no feeling and drop foot and now that process is slowly taking effect on my right leg. My wrists and shoulders hurt so bad most of the time that it's unreal. This is due to the fact that I now have to walk with forearm crutches.

This disability is forever, it will never get better rather will more than likely continue to get worse.

I am absolutely driven crazy by the fact that I was on the job when this happened so all my medical care is going through Workman's comp and will til the day I die. They are so absolutely impossible to deal with. The last time my doctor, the one whom they approved, added a medication that I needed to be taking was held up for three months before they decided they would approve it. I think they only reason they did is because I contacted my lawyer and ask him to get on the issue for me. I have now had another change in medications and you guessed it they have not approved that one yet either.

I suppose the thing that makes me so angry is that I feel like I'm being treated like a criminal, as if I'm trying to stick it to them and get things I don't need. Or maybe it's like they don't think I really need that stuff so they don't care if they don't approve my narcotic pain killers and my pain sky rockets to levels so high I throw up from the pain and go through withdrawals until they decide they are going to okay the medications for me.

The other issue I have is that I need help at home in a bad way. My restrictions limit me so badly that simply trying to get the house picked up, not cleaned just picked up is a nightmare. I know that I can get a prescription from my doctor for that kind of help but I also know they will fight it tooth and nail because they don't want to pay out on it. I have contacted every agency I can get a hold of and though they say they are there to help the disabled it's a lie. They only help the disabled if they are on welfare. It doesn't matter that my hubby works his tail end off trying to make ends meet so that we don't lose our home, we have already lost one vehicle because of the loss of my income and how long it is taking Workman's comp to start sending my checks again.

There are so many things I need like a walk in bathtub, those things start out at 12k, who has that kind of money. I need a vehicle that is wheel chair/power chair accessible. If they have fits over medicine imagine what they would think if they got that request. No agency cares that he is killing himself trying to keep our family afloat we are not on welfare so there is not help for me. One could think that is just my imagination but it's not I've literally been told exactly that.

Lastly, people who are around those of us with chronic pain really do try to do their best but they can not understand what it is we are going through and it is very hard to explain it so that they can understand. That goes for people around us as well. We look good on the outside, what they see doesn't look damaged and because they can't see it when they look at us I believe they subconsciously think it must not be near as bad as we try to make it out to be.

I need fellow chronic pain sufferers to talk to, people who can relate to what I'm going through. I want to make friends with others who have these issues so that I can be a support person to them.

As chronic pain sufferers we are very limited often, the four walls of our homes become our new best friend and I have to tell you that I'm so terribly tired of them. So sick to death of everyday not having a job to go to anymore. I have doubted my self worth and on most days it would do you no good to try to explain to me that I'm worth something. Chances are you would be trying to explain that to me while I need to be loading the dishwasher that I can't get to because of having to bend over, or taking the clothes out of the washer and putting them in the dryer, one article at a time because wet they are to heavy and can exceed my weight limitations.

I know that for the most part this first post sounds very negative, like I must be some sourpuss all the time. Really I'm not, I have taken a thought process that says I might as well smile and laugh about this because all the crying I have done hasn't done me any good at all. My hopes are for strength to make it through each day and at some point in time I pray that God will answer my prayers and tell me what it is he has planned for me. I certainly would like to know. I do realize he has brought back my love for writing stories, fiction and mostly non fiction, sometimes I write devotionals but I really need to sit down and come up with a theme or topic and then write several of them in parts. But what am I to do with them once I get done with them. They take so long to get written and some days I can't even stand to work on them, whats a girl to do.

Anyway I sure hope you will join my blog, leave comments, we can lift each other up on our bad days and rejoice on our good days. Also we may find out about services or things that would help each other out. I know I hear about lots of things all the time I just don't qualify for them, we could share them here and possibly help each other out.

Please comment on the post and tell me what type of chronic pain you have, how long you have had it and how you are handling life in general. I so look forward to meeting many new friends here.