In order to explain why I have started this blog I feel I first must lay my heart open and explain why this is important to me.

Three years ago I was traveling from one store location to another, I was the regional manager of five stores at the time.

A young man was also out driving that day and messing with his phone was more important than paying attention to his driving.

I was traveling down the highway and the next thing I know a car is about to hit me, he came out of no where. Come to find out he was messing with his phone and didn't "see" the stop sign. So instead of stopping before he crossed the highway he just plowed right on through and he hit my car.

It is a long story to go through, all the things that happened from that point on and through this past three years. So in a nutshell the vertebrae in my lower spine were messed up which resulted in four back surgeries. The nerve cluster there was also damaged so there is chronic pain in my lower back and the damage is spreading down through my legs as well. The left leg has next to no feeling and drop foot and now that process is slowly taking effect on my right leg. My wrists and shoulders hurt so bad most of the time that it's unreal. This is due to the fact that I now have to walk with forearm crutches.

This disability is forever, it will never get better rather will more than likely continue to get worse.

I am absolutely driven crazy by the fact that I was on the job when this happened so all my medical care is going through Workman's comp and will til the day I die. They are so absolutely impossible to deal with. The last time my doctor, the one whom they approved, added a medication that I needed to be taking was held up for three months before they decided they would approve it. I think they only reason they did is because I contacted my lawyer and ask him to get on the issue for me. I have now had another change in medications and you guessed it they have not approved that one yet either.

I suppose the thing that makes me so angry is that I feel like I'm being treated like a criminal, as if I'm trying to stick it to them and get things I don't need. Or maybe it's like they don't think I really need that stuff so they don't care if they don't approve my narcotic pain killers and my pain sky rockets to levels so high I throw up from the pain and go through withdrawals until they decide they are going to okay the medications for me.

The other issue I have is that I need help at home in a bad way. My restrictions limit me so badly that simply trying to get the house picked up, not cleaned just picked up is a nightmare. I know that I can get a prescription from my doctor for that kind of help but I also know they will fight it tooth and nail because they don't want to pay out on it. I have contacted every agency I can get a hold of and though they say they are there to help the disabled it's a lie. They only help the disabled if they are on welfare. It doesn't matter that my hubby works his tail end off trying to make ends meet so that we don't lose our home, we have already lost one vehicle because of the loss of my income and how long it is taking Workman's comp to start sending my checks again.

There are so many things I need like a walk in bathtub, those things start out at 12k, who has that kind of money. I need a vehicle that is wheel chair/power chair accessible. If they have fits over medicine imagine what they would think if they got that request. No agency cares that he is killing himself trying to keep our family afloat we are not on welfare so there is not help for me. One could think that is just my imagination but it's not I've literally been told exactly that.

Lastly, people who are around those of us with chronic pain really do try to do their best but they can not understand what it is we are going through and it is very hard to explain it so that they can understand. That goes for people around us as well. We look good on the outside, what they see doesn't look damaged and because they can't see it when they look at us I believe they subconsciously think it must not be near as bad as we try to make it out to be.

I need fellow chronic pain sufferers to talk to, people who can relate to what I'm going through. I want to make friends with others who have these issues so that I can be a support person to them.

As chronic pain sufferers we are very limited often, the four walls of our homes become our new best friend and I have to tell you that I'm so terribly tired of them. So sick to death of everyday not having a job to go to anymore. I have doubted my self worth and on most days it would do you no good to try to explain to me that I'm worth something. Chances are you would be trying to explain that to me while I need to be loading the dishwasher that I can't get to because of having to bend over, or taking the clothes out of the washer and putting them in the dryer, one article at a time because wet they are to heavy and can exceed my weight limitations.

I know that for the most part this first post sounds very negative, like I must be some sourpuss all the time. Really I'm not, I have taken a thought process that says I might as well smile and laugh about this because all the crying I have done hasn't done me any good at all. My hopes are for strength to make it through each day and at some point in time I pray that God will answer my prayers and tell me what it is he has planned for me. I certainly would like to know. I do realize he has brought back my love for writing stories, fiction and mostly non fiction, sometimes I write devotionals but I really need to sit down and come up with a theme or topic and then write several of them in parts. But what am I to do with them once I get done with them. They take so long to get written and some days I can't even stand to work on them, whats a girl to do.

Anyway I sure hope you will join my blog, leave comments, we can lift each other up on our bad days and rejoice on our good days. Also we may find out about services or things that would help each other out. I know I hear about lots of things all the time I just don't qualify for them, we could share them here and possibly help each other out.

Please comment on the post and tell me what type of chronic pain you have, how long you have had it and how you are handling life in general. I so look forward to meeting many new friends here.