Last night was pretty rough, I think I got up about every two hours. If I got where my back was comfortable then my legs and hip started acting crazy. If I got them confortable then my back had a fit.

It's nights like last night that make it hard to deal with chronic pain the next day. You become exhausted from trying to get some rest and there is just none to be had.

I'm up this morning getting ready to take mom to a store we both really love that is having a huge sale, but I'm not sure how my body is going to handle it. My hip and about halfway down my leg is non stop throbbing! I guess this means the damage is starting to spread to that leg as well.

Despite it all I'm going to put on a big smile for my mom and make sure she has a wonderful time today, she just doesn't get out much and she really needs the stress relief. I'll take my camera along and if I see some really neat things I'll take pictures to share with you when I get home.

I hope you all have a very blessed day.

If you are reading this blog I really wish you would just make a comment. The reason being that if you suffer from chronic pain as I do I would love to put you on my prayer list. Of course even if you don't but you are in need of prayers I would be happy to add you to my list.

Have any of you ever had to deal with Workmans Comp?

I have to tell you that it has been one of the biggest things I regret in my life. I so wish I would have just not been on the job when I got hurt. We could have done what our insurance would take care of and that's it. Then we could have gone on with life and just dealt with things as they happen.

We would have lost everything, we nearly did anyway, and we would have been homeless, but I have to tell you all of that would have been so much better than having to deal with them.

My doctor changed one of my medications, same type of medication just a different brand she thought would help me better than the obe I was on. So here we are now, again, about two weeks after tha appointment and still they have no approved that medication yet.

I get so frustrated. I don't understand how the laws are set up that they are allowed to treat us like we are criminals or something.

Wait, let me take that back because if I were a criminal and I were locked up in jail or prison they would have to take much better care of me than this or I could sue the pants off of them.

As it is set up though WC can jerk you around, do what they want to do with you, take as much time as they want to and there is just nothing you can do about it.

I wish I knew of a phone number or an email address where you could write to them, the state office that is and just tell them exactly how wrong this is. Not that I think they would really care, after all if the state is watching them to assure they are doing what they are supposed to be doing then the state already knows they treat us like crap.

I guess I can understand it though, I needed to stop thinking like myself and start thinking like them.

Why would they want to do anything in a timely manner to help me out? After all I made that guy hit me in the car. I assured that when he did hit me he completely trashed my back. I knew how hard he needed to hit me so that I could end up living the rest of my life unable to work and dealing with chronic pain everyday so bad that even the narcs they do give me don't really take the pain away, it just kinda takes the edge off.

Since I set all that up I can see how they must view me as some kind of thug who is just trying to rip them off for every dime I can get out of them. Why if I were them I would fight it all the way to the supreme court. After all if I had not allowed myself to be injured in the first place there will be no need for people to have to take care of me.

I apologize for my ranting but I'm  certain that my fathers cattle get better medical care and in a much more timely manner than I do. I would even go so far as to say most dogs in a no kill shelter are treated better than I am. It seems unreal to me that the laws are set to where they can just treat people any o way they want to and for all practical purposes there is nothing that can be done about it.

I think I will take the time to write the governor of our state and share my opinion with them, not that I think they care anymore than workmans comp does but at least I can say I tried something.

I hope if you haven't ever had to deal with them that you never do. For cryin out loud I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, if I had one.

Sleepless Nights

I hate it when I have nights like tonight. I've been up every two hours, can't sleep but am so tired I can hardly focus to do anything.

One would like to think with all the meds they have me taking that sleep would not elude me, yet it does.

I'm going to have to figure out something productive to do on these sleepless nights so I can at least feel good about accomplishing something if I'm not going to be sleeping.

8:56 AM

I finally managed to get a little cat nap in. I'm wondering if a different bed would help. I've gone from a regular mattress to a memory foam and am now back on a regular mattress again. The memory foam did not work out well for me at all, the regular mattress has a pillow top and works much better but I still find I'm in need of all my pillows. I currently have something like 10 pillows on my bed and that doesn't count the two over stuffed couch cushions we saved from a couch we got rid of. Depending on the night, the moment, the situation I use those pillows to p rop up my legs, some of them wedged under my sides, a few under my head, and then if I get all that done and am comfortable I will fall asleep. The issue becomes that when I roll over they are all out of whack and I have to start again rearranging them trying to get them back to a place where I'm comfy.

I really am going to have to start researching the adjustable beds and see if there is not something there that might help. I do know that the last time I looked at them most are made over sears, only one was made here in the USA. The big difference I had found at that time was that many of them offered life time warrantys. In reading closer they were limited life time warrantys and really were not a good deal for the person buying the bed. The one made here in the USA has an actual full lifetime warranty. I was really impressed by that.

In order to explain why I have started this blog I feel I first must lay my heart open and explain why this is important to me.

Three years ago I was traveling from one store location to another, I was the regional manager of five stores at the time.

A young man was also out driving that day and messing with his phone was more important than paying attention to his driving.

I was traveling down the highway and the next thing I know a car is about to hit me, he came out of no where. Come to find out he was messing with his phone and didn't "see" the stop sign. So instead of stopping before he crossed the highway he just plowed right on through and he hit my car.

It is a long story to go through, all the things that happened from that point on and through this past three years. So in a nutshell the vertebrae in my lower spine were messed up which resulted in four back surgeries. The nerve cluster there was also damaged so there is chronic pain in my lower back and the damage is spreading down through my legs as well. The left leg has next to no feeling and drop foot and now that process is slowly taking effect on my right leg. My wrists and shoulders hurt so bad most of the time that it's unreal. This is due to the fact that I now have to walk with forearm crutches.

This disability is forever, it will never get better rather will more than likely continue to get worse.

I am absolutely driven crazy by the fact that I was on the job when this happened so all my medical care is going through Workman's comp and will til the day I die. They are so absolutely impossible to deal with. The last time my doctor, the one whom they approved, added a medication that I needed to be taking was held up for three months before they decided they would approve it. I think they only reason they did is because I contacted my lawyer and ask him to get on the issue for me. I have now had another change in medications and you guessed it they have not approved that one yet either.

I suppose the thing that makes me so angry is that I feel like I'm being treated like a criminal, as if I'm trying to stick it to them and get things I don't need. Or maybe it's like they don't think I really need that stuff so they don't care if they don't approve my narcotic pain killers and my pain sky rockets to levels so high I throw up from the pain and go through withdrawals until they decide they are going to okay the medications for me.

The other issue I have is that I need help at home in a bad way. My restrictions limit me so badly that simply trying to get the house picked up, not cleaned just picked up is a nightmare. I know that I can get a prescription from my doctor for that kind of help but I also know they will fight it tooth and nail because they don't want to pay out on it. I have contacted every agency I can get a hold of and though they say they are there to help the disabled it's a lie. They only help the disabled if they are on welfare. It doesn't matter that my hubby works his tail end off trying to make ends meet so that we don't lose our home, we have already lost one vehicle because of the loss of my income and how long it is taking Workman's comp to start sending my checks again.

There are so many things I need like a walk in bathtub, those things start out at 12k, who has that kind of money. I need a vehicle that is wheel chair/power chair accessible. If they have fits over medicine imagine what they would think if they got that request. No agency cares that he is killing himself trying to keep our family afloat we are not on welfare so there is not help for me. One could think that is just my imagination but it's not I've literally been told exactly that.

Lastly, people who are around those of us with chronic pain really do try to do their best but they can not understand what it is we are going through and it is very hard to explain it so that they can understand. That goes for people around us as well. We look good on the outside, what they see doesn't look damaged and because they can't see it when they look at us I believe they subconsciously think it must not be near as bad as we try to make it out to be.

I need fellow chronic pain sufferers to talk to, people who can relate to what I'm going through. I want to make friends with others who have these issues so that I can be a support person to them.

As chronic pain sufferers we are very limited often, the four walls of our homes become our new best friend and I have to tell you that I'm so terribly tired of them. So sick to death of everyday not having a job to go to anymore. I have doubted my self worth and on most days it would do you no good to try to explain to me that I'm worth something. Chances are you would be trying to explain that to me while I need to be loading the dishwasher that I can't get to because of having to bend over, or taking the clothes out of the washer and putting them in the dryer, one article at a time because wet they are to heavy and can exceed my weight limitations.

I know that for the most part this first post sounds very negative, like I must be some sourpuss all the time. Really I'm not, I have taken a thought process that says I might as well smile and laugh about this because all the crying I have done hasn't done me any good at all. My hopes are for strength to make it through each day and at some point in time I pray that God will answer my prayers and tell me what it is he has planned for me. I certainly would like to know. I do realize he has brought back my love for writing stories, fiction and mostly non fiction, sometimes I write devotionals but I really need to sit down and come up with a theme or topic and then write several of them in parts. But what am I to do with them once I get done with them. They take so long to get written and some days I can't even stand to work on them, whats a girl to do.

Anyway I sure hope you will join my blog, leave comments, we can lift each other up on our bad days and rejoice on our good days. Also we may find out about services or things that would help each other out. I know I hear about lots of things all the time I just don't qualify for them, we could share them here and possibly help each other out.

Please comment on the post and tell me what type of chronic pain you have, how long you have had it and how you are handling life in general. I so look forward to meeting many new friends here.