Hate making choices!

Today has been pondered for some time now. Mother and I like to go to auctions and we certainly have gone to  a lot of them. Last week we went to a Chicken auction. It was quite amazing as they have more than chickens there. We did manage to come home with two Lion Head bunnies, 2 months old, for my daughter.While we had a wonderful time it was overshadowed by knowing what was to come............PAIN. More pain than normal, anything I do that takes very long is going to make my situation even worse. I knew it would happen but sometimes you just have to go ahead and do a thing or you will continue to go down hill mentally. I have noticed in this past year that I'm becoming a lot more reclusive than I used to be and I don't like it.

So we went and it was fun and I followed that event up by being down for 3 days I think it was. Today there is an Amish Vegetable Auction and mom and I are going to that. This is one of those things where I can opt to not go because I know what it will do to me, but at the same time in order to help with our grocery bill I try to can as much stuff as I can for the coming year. My blessing in that area is that its as important to my husband and daughter as it is to me. I'll brag on my daughter a bit here because there are not many 11 yr old girls who know to make and can salsa, but she got 8 quarts done lsst night while I did the Corn relish. Watching her learn and doing things that will make her eat healthier foods and save money makes the pain cost for today acceptable.

Better get off of here. By the way I see each day how many of you are reading my posts. It would be nice if you would comment so I could talk to you. We may find we have a lot in common evn if you live in Russia and I'm here. :)

Have a great day.

What our thoughts do to us!

I know that when we deal with CHP (chronic pain) that aside from talking to God and listening to what he has to say, this is the next best thing. I know that when I let my thoughts start going downhill about this is wrong and that is wrong and so on I start getting really low. Sometimes I've even allowed a combination of my CHP and thoughts get me down so far that it has literally taken me days to claw my way back to the surface and act right again. My thoughts have allowed me to get so down that I've stayed in bed, not eaten for days and only gotten up on occasion to take a bathroom break. It's just no way to live our lives no matter what is going on.

Fun or Pain, what to do?

Today I had to make a choice. My daughter has been wanting and outdoor game for three years now called Ladder Ball. Really there isn't much to the game at all, you have two small balls on a string and you toss them at a "ladder" depending on the rung you hit determines your score.

I finally broke down today and bought the game for her. She has three brothers but they are grown adults and don't live at home so she has no one to "play" with. So knowing better than to do it hubby and I went out to play the game with her. Now my right leg and back hurt so bad I can hardly stand it. The upside to that is that she had a blast, it was good to see her laugh and play and just have fun like a kid should.

It's terrible for her that my disability has affected her so much. I've hated for her to be out of school for the summer. We live in a rural area so it's not like friends can just walk over to our house for a visit or anything like that. It's terrible when children are made to grow up to fast for things they have no control over. She has been a jewel through all of this and has rarely ever complained about anything.

God blessed us in giving her to us to be our daughter. Someday I'm going to find a way to make this up to her. I don't know when or how, but I'm going to find a way. It's not that I feel I owe her nor does she feel that way either, I just have a desire to do something really special for her for all she has given up gracefully to grow up faster than she needed to and to be such a help around the home.

I do hope though that as she grows up and moves on with her life that she doesn't look back and regret her childhood, that would destroy me.

Today has been a horrid day, despite meds I feel horrible.

I've waited three years to start getting my payout from Workmans Comp. It was supposed to be here on the 13th and huge shocker, NOTHING! Contacted my lawyer and he is like oh just hang on it will be here. Bet you money if he went three years without an income he wouldn't be so thoughtless about it.

To buy the corn or not to buy the corn.

I'm happy to say that today is one of my better days. My body is irritated with me a bit because I haven't been to sleep since last night before last, but that happens often. I guess someday I will get used to that and it won't bother me so much.

Got a phone call from a man today that has sweet corn for sale. He is doing me a favor by lowering the price to $2 a dozen if I get 25 dozen at one time. I love fresh corn and being able to put that up in the freezer but I don't know if my body can handle getting 25 dozen ears of corn ready for the freezer. I know that hubby, daughter and mother would help me with it but still, that is a lot.

I suppose my blog seems like I'm always complaining and really that is not the kind of person I am, but these are the things that happen that really upset me. Three years ago I wouldn't have had to think about this, the answer would have been yes and probably I would have taken 50 dozen but now I have to stop and say okay, I know I can freeze that and put it up. It's better for my family and it most certainly tastes better, but can my body handle this? Corn is just one of those things, once picked it needs to be blanched, cut and put up as fast as possible. It's not like doing the jams or jelly where you can do some today and some tomorrow, it just doesn't work that way.

Well guess I better get off of here and decide what I'm going to do. I have to get a hold of mother before I can make any decision. Isn't that horrible, I'm 47 yrs old and I have to wait to get a hold of mommy before I can decide what I'm going to do.

I don't mean that hateful toward my mother, she is one of the most loving and caring individuals I have ever known. There is nothing in this world she wouldn't do for me if she could and I love her for that.

I'm really getting off of here now if I talk about this any more I'm going to work myself into a deeper depression.

I hope you all are doing well today. Take care and get the most you can out of this day.

Need to fire Mr. Sandman and WC!

It's three thirty in the morning, I'm so exhausted and sore it's not even funny. So why am I not in the bed sleeping, because Mr. Sandman decided to skip my house again tonight I guess. I'm going to fire him for failure to perform his job duties well or at all.

I hate this more than anything because it reduces my ability to deal with the CHP the next day and often turns me into an unbearable grouch.

I feel so sorry for my family. I often wish they would just pack their bags and leave then they wouldn't have to put up with all this crap from me.

This stupid accident not only trashed my life but it has made the rest of my family make changes in the way they live their lives and it seems so unfair.

Sent another letter to my lawyer today, WC still has not approved my medication and it's been nearly a month now. Don't I have any rights? Don't I have the right to not be treated this way? Or is it because WC doesn't have to follow any laws or rules they can just do whatever they want to do? It certainly seems that way. After waiting this long AGAIN for a medication approval I'm certain that a year from now we will still be fighting with them to get a lift in my automobile so that I can take my power chair places with me where I can't stand to walk all day.

The state fair is coming up and if we don't figure out something I will be unable to attend because there is no way I can walk through all of that. I'm really going to be upset if I have to miss it because WC wants to drag their feet on doing anything that might be helpful to me.

Guess I'm ready to get off my soap box for tonight and try to go back to bed and hopefully get some sleep.

The limitations of CHP and Depression

I love the summer so much, even though we are having a triple digit heat here. The gardens are so beautiful and the produce is so yummy. (Isn't that a nice adult word to use lol)

Summer also makes me sad for the things that are so hard for me to do now. We got a few batches of jelly made the other day and I really need to work on some relish, make pound cake and make bread today but there is no way my body will allow me to get all that done.

It's no wonder people with CHP (my initials for Chronic Pain because I'm tired of typing that word) fight depression. A mere 3 years ago I canned 8 cases of tomatoes in one day and now I have to decide if I'm going to make one thing or the other.

Lawyers and Insurance companies simply do not understand that there is so  much more to CHP than the constant pain. If they had any idea of what we go through they simply would not treat us the way they do. I turned in a change in my medication on June 15, 2012 and as of today it still has not been approved. Exactly how long does the insurance company think it is okay to make us go without the MEDs

Just a short note for today. My pain level is way out of control due to all the canning and work we did today. I took several naps today trying to take breaks in my work so this would not happen, but still here I am.

Had it not been for my family helping me out I would have never gotten all of the canning done today that we did.

I'm terribly lucky that God gave them to me to be part of my family. With that said I'm off of here to go and take some more meds and get down and see if that will help any at all.

If you are not on welfare you get no help!

This past couple of days have been pretty bad. I am having such issues on the right side now. I can feel the pain starting in my lower back and now moving down the right leg. I hate that as it probably means the damaged nerves are now starting to affect that leg.

I know I need to keep a positive attitude and let God handle this and know that he is in control, that there is a plan and a reason for all of this but sometimes it's really hard to do that. I have faith that God is in control and I not only know that he can do the things that need to be done but know that he will. My frustration is not that, it's just trying to cope and deal on a daily basis until he does what he needs to do. That probably sounds contradictory but with constant pain you can't just not think about it, it is always there.

If you are reading my blog and you are a praying person please pray for me. This is all so frustrating. Again I have a new prescription that needs to be filled, my doctor wanted me to start it right away and still several weeks have gone by and workman's comp still has not approved it. It was not really a new medication rather changing one I was already taking to one that might work better for me. My attorney has turned in my prescription also stating that they have to make my vehicle wheel chair accessible. I bet you money it will be months if not years before they give an answer on that one. Why WC has to treat people this way and why they are allowed to is beyond me. It's like we are criminals just trying to get away with something. They all sat in court and all heard and agreed to the same testimony stating that I am totally disabled from this accident so why do they then find it necessary and why are they allowed to fight each and every step of the way. If they ask me for information or something and I blew them off like they do me I would probably lose my benefits for failure to comply but they do it all the time.

Okay I got off on a tangent, sorry about that, it's just so so frustrating. I hope if you are reading my blog and you are dealing with chronic pain that you are not dealing with WC, if you are I feel so sorry for you.

Hey another interesting fact I found out though. You hear all the time about groups out there that help the disabled. Oh your county has so many programs bla bla bla. Well I have found out after much research that the only way you can get any assistance, at least in Johnson County Missouri, is if you are on welfare. If you are disabled and you are not on welfare you do not qualify for one single solitary program. I need help in my house during the week and I can not get help because I'm not on welfare. Please don't misunderstand that to think that my husband is out there making tons of money, that is not the case. He makes just a touch too much for us to qualify for any form of welfare. So with that being said we are not allowed any help, they expect us to go out and pay anywhere from $12 to $18 per hour in order to get someone to come in the house for a few hours a day and help with the things I cannot do. It seems so unfair, you either have to be on welfare or they assume you to be a Rockefeller and have money pouring out your left ear making you capable of paying the absurd prices people are charging. I told my husband he should quit his job and stay home to take care of me, then we would qualify for all kinds of things. Sadly enough we are not the kind of people who will sit down and just take hand outs when he is capable of working. I have no issue's with people who are on welfare and really really need it but I know too many people who are capable of working and choose not to just so they can sit on their can and get everything handed to them. The lesson here is if you work your tail end off and it's not enough, screw you. If you are just flat lazy, sit on your ars and the government will hand you anything you need. Food, medical care, someone to clean your house, MEDs for free, rent and utilities paid for. It absolutely works that way, as I said I know too many who are doing just that.

I suppose I should go to bed, I'm just flat grouchy tonight. Oh wait, that is the MED I'm waiting on that WC won't approve, a mild antidepressant, hmm I wonder why I get like this..............

4th of July

I took several naps today before we went and thought that would help me handle it better, but it didn't. I can't sleep now, I can't find any way to be comfortable and my body hates me for going there.

My heart however loves me because it made our daughters day. The display was great, we were a little shocked that they  were actually allowed to do it since it is so dry here, but they did and that was great.

We don't buy fireworks and do the family thing because one of our sons was in Iraq, twice and he just can't handle them.

It's 4 in the morning, I got up for a drink so I guess I better get to it and then try to lay back down. I hope you all had a wonderful celebration of our independence and I hope that every day when you see a soldier you thank him/her and before you go to bed at night you thank God.

One of the things that is very aggravating to me is new pain. How are we supposed to know if this new pain is just a side effect of the chronic pain we have all the time or if it is a new issue rearing its ugly head in our lives.

My chronic pain involved damage to my lower back which in turn has done damage to the large nerve cluster there. Its effects run down both of my legs and is causing them to go numb.

I feel a little sense of freedom in this blog especially right now since hardly anyone is coming to read it. Here I can complain about my pain, here I can cry in writing over not understanding why this had to happen and here I can pretend that others who really do understand chronic pain are reading and understanding my feelings.

My husband is the most awesome man in the world. There is nothing he won't do for me and I love him for that. He has been by my side through all of this and has been very understanding and while I can talk to him about anything he can and does listen but he doesn't understand.

I compared this lack of understanding one time to when I was pregnant with my first son. The doctor (man) used to tell me at every visit that he understood how I felt and that if he could he would take my load for a day and give me some rest.

Well for starters there  is NO WAY a man understands being pregnant and the only reason he offered to take my load for a day was because he knew it was impossible for him to do so. Why would a man even attempt to tell a woman he knows how she feels or that he understands her feelings of being pregnant. He hasn't a clue and the same holds true for those who don't suffer from chronic pain.

People see us out and about and our bodies look "normal" to them. They cannot see any damage, there are no physical signs that scream out loud that there is something wrong with us. I think most people tend to put us in a group of crybabies that have an issue in our heads, not in our bodies.

I don't blame others for the things they think, they can't help that they don't understand. That is why every day for the sake of my family I put on a smile and pretend that life is all good to the best of my ability for that day. Whatever I can do so that they are not constantly looking at me wondering if I'm okay in that moment or not. It's tiresome but I do it for them.

Okay enough of my whining for now. I need to get off of here, get dressed, put on my smile and head to town with the family.